Commentary on Alabama Law and Society

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Location: Birmingham, Alabama

Tuesday, May 23, 2006

A Proposed Solution

To the immigration and homosexual problems. I got the idea here. To make everyone happy, we let immigrants and homosexuals live in this country, but also make the following additions (in bold) and alterations (strikes through the original language) to the constitution:

The Preamble:

We the People of the United States, in Order to form a more perfect Union, establish Justice, insure domestic Tranquillity, provide for the common defense, promote the general Welfare of Conservative Christian Straight White American Males (CCSWAM) , and secure the Blessings of Liberty to ourselves CCSWAM and our CCSWAM’s CCSWAM Posterity, do ordain and establish this Constitution for the United States of America.

Article I, § 2:

Representatives . . . shall be apportioned among the several States which may be included within this Union, according to their respective Numbers, which shall be determined by adding to the whole Number of free Persons CCSWAM, . . . , three fifths of all other Persons. homosexuals and immigrants.

Article I, § 8:

The Congress shall have Power . . . to protect the sanctity of marriage by illegalizing homersexual relations, and to protect us from foreigners by building a thirty foot high wall along our borders, topped with razor wire. And a moat also. With alligators in it..

Article III, § 2

The judicial Power shall extend to all Cases, in Law and Equity, arising under this Constitution, the Laws of the United States, and Treaties made, or which shall be made, under their Authority;--to all Cases affecting Ambassadors, other public ministers and Consuls;--to all Cases of admiralty and maritime Jurisdiction;--to Controversies to which the United States shall be a Party;--to Controversies between two or more States;--between a State and Citizens of another State;--between Citizens of different States;--between Citizens of the same State claiming Lands under Grants of different States, and between a State, or the Citizens thereof, and foreign States, Citizens or Subjects. which a majority of CCSWAM agree to let the court hear, provided that those states or individual CCSWAM who don't like the result do not have to follow it.

Article IV, § 2

No Person held to Service or Labour homosexual or immigrant deprived of rights in one State, under the Laws thereof, escaping into another, shall, in Consequence of any Law or Regulation or court decision therein, be discharged from such Service or Labour, granted any rights but shall be delivered up on Claim of the Party to whom such Service or Labour may be due remain a legal non-person.

Article V

no Amendment which may be made prior to the Year One thousand eight hundred and eight the rapture (after that all CCSWAM will be gone, so who cares what the rest of you do) shall in any Manner affect the first and fourth Clauses in the Ninth Section of the first Article grant any rights to immigrants or homosexuals and that no State, without its Consent, shall be deprived of its equal Suffrage in the Senate. Unless it tries to grant rights to immigrants or homosexuals.

Anyway, those are some suggestions.